My Big Ego
Coming to terms with a Defined Heart Center.
When I first saw my Human Design chart I did not resonate with some of the keynotes of having a defined heart. Consistent self-worth? Nope, I felt utterly worthless most of the time. How was this possible? My hearts defined! Being in my experiment for a couple of years, I’m starting to have awareness around what happened, I’m starting to see how self destructive the Ego can be when it’s committed to the Not-Self.
My Ego was like Darth Vader, born innocent with beautifully powerful capabilities designed to serve others. Betrayed too often, its allegiance shifted to the dark side, created the Death Star and sought to destroy the Universe. And by Universe I’m referring to my self-esteem, immune system, gut health, and literal heart. (The Ego Center has the most biological correspondences of any Center)
Consistent willpower? Yes, that I did resonate with. Unfortunately I committed my will to becoming the best Not-Self MG I could because of the lack I felt in my open centers, specifically the Root, Sacral, and Throat. I bet Darth is a Projector. Where did this conditioning come from? When I pulled my entire families charts, more awareness came.
Both my parents have open Egos. My mother, a Pure Generator and the most selfless, over-caring, "sacrifice anything to help another" kind of mother, conditioned me to believe that her way was the way. Only be humble, give at all costs, prove you’re a good person, sacrifice yourself. My father, a no motored Projector and an extremely hard working, nose to the grindstone, “life is hard” provider type conditioned me to believe that his way was the way. Get a job, be productive, grind for yourself and your family. My parents could not be more opposite in their approach to life but what did they have in common? They both felt the need to prove their worth through sacrifice.
Now it gets funny. My older Generator sister has a big defined Ego, then me a Projector with a big Ego, then my younger brother a Manifestor with a big defined Ego! I can just imagine the confusion my parents must have gone through amping all this Ego energy from these three strong willed children. My father unknowingly got competitive, my mother unknowingly cut down our self-esteem. We all handled the conditioning in slightly different ways but I see a common thread in me and all my siblings.
So many so called “spiritual” systems & practices teach getting rid of the ego, for those of us with defined Hearts that way of life is extremely detrimental to our health and well-being. In Human Design ego is not a bad word, it’s a mechanical truth for 35% of us who have it defined. It just has to commit to what’s correct for us.
Having a defined Heart I’ve always attracted enemies. People who are jealous of my natural competitiveness & consistent assertiveness. It’s been a confusing recurring thought in jobs and relationships especially with other men. Why don’t people like me? Why does it always feel like someone’s out to get me? Why do people talk bad about me behind my back?
The perfect example was when I was working as a waiter. One time I got called into my bosses office, he handed me a $50 dollar check for another 5 star yelp review that mentioned my name and then fired me. That sums up how its felt to have a defined Ego. Haters for seemingly no reason.
My big ego exists, but what open egos don’t understand is it’s so full of love not arrogance. All it wants is to commit to supporting others in reaching their highest potential. It truly wants everyone in my tribe to be as successful as humanly possible. Yes it demands things in return. But it knows we must all succeed together. It’s so misunderstood.
Before Human Design I was conditioned to feel so guilty about how blessed I am.
I’m good looking. I’m intelligent. I’m athletic. "I’m sorry," I thought.
I pretended to be chill, I let others take the lead, I hid my will to compete, I feared being in control. I cut myself down. I played so small and in doing so attracted unhealthy open egos trying to prove themselves who then took advantage of me and my power.
WHAT A CHANGE Human Design has brought into my life in regards to this center. For the first time in my life I’m feeling my healthy Ego come alive and in turn I'm attracting people who appreciate and praise my natural strength, boldness, and forthright expression. It feels so fucking good.
If you have a defined Ego you need to receive praise in order to remain strong and capable of exercising its immense and sporadic power.
If you have a defined Ego it’s ok to demand respect, glamour, pride, quality, money, rest and reward.
If you have a defined Ego you’re not here to play small.
If you have a defined Ego only the best will do.
LATER HATERS.
#humandesign #humandesignprojector #humandesignego #humandesignegocenter #humandesignheartcenter